no dark sarcasm in the classroom

So much to say. so little time. I promised so many of you a post to find some way to describe all that's been going on lately. I honestly can't find the words to explain how I feel. Bear with me.
Today was strange. I was feeling ok until my new patient looked up at me from her newspaper and said, 'You know, God is up there, taking care of us every minute. But reading the news makes me wonder.' I just met this person 20 minutes before and she almost had me in tears. I'm so busy trying to forget everything from my past and the world around me, that when it comes around to slap me across the face, I could almost fall to the ground and never rise again. The weight of everything is that much.
I attended my Human Growth class today like a good little girl. I can't say lemming, because I have the power to walk out of there and never look back. But I have come too far to do that now. Sometimes I wish I could. I look around at everyone else my age, at a college/dorm, whose deepest drama is finding someone to buy beer and play musical beds with the flavor of the day. A life without choices seems very appealing to me. But then who would I be?
I just don't know anymore.
Yet I'm the only one I know who has so many doubts yet is graduating next may and could be working in my field right away. It's secure and safe, yet strange. When do I get to play the teenager without a care in the world? I had body image problems since I was 6 or probably earlier. I'm sick of being 20 going on 40 dammit. It shouldn't have to be like this.
what do I want? I want to be happy. I'm wishing for contentment. I want those that I love to be within an arms reach for once. I want to see Liz. I want to stop worrying. I want to finally accept who I am and love myself. To a certain extent, I have. Even now when I'm in a relationship (hang on. I'll explain later) I still have those feelings of unworthiness and self consciousness that I long to be rid of.
Don't get me wrong. I'm doing ok. These are just the lingering things floating around in the back of my mind while I rush to finish everything I need to do.
I managed to fit in a trip to Madison to celebrate miss April turning 20. Which turned into a chance for me to tweak some relationships that have been less than perfect, like Mate, April and surprisingly, Andrea.
Then last weekend, I had a lovely time in Chicago with my hezzie seeing the fabulous miss Ani Difranco....and getting in a huge argument with my parents over staying at my beau's house afterwards. I stood my ground for once, but afterwards I was so upset that I started crying harder than I have ever cried in a long long time. As for the vague references, I am currently seeing a really great person I met at faire. His name is Randy Ingram, lives in Shaumburg, Il, and makes me feel so wonderful that I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure it's real. He's currently working as a serving wench at the Medieval Times (brown tunic....black tights......heh heh) and is in a band which he lovingly describes as alterna-enya. Um. Jon, sort of broke up with me after ignoring me for *another* 2 weeks (grrrrrr) on instant freakin messenger. He said that he's in a 'dark time' and 'doesn't want to make the opportunity for me to not trust him' and then proceeded to have to go to a meeting. How convenient these meetings, no? Any theories on what the hell that means, please enlighten me. Translate vague man mumble into english please. :)
I must be off now. My books are calling me. I hate it when they do that.

no dark sarcasm in the classroom

So much to say. so little time. I promised so many of you a post to find some way to describe all that's been going on lately. I honestly can't find the words to explain how I feel. Bear with me.
Today was strange. I was feeling ok until my new patient looked up at me from her newspaper and said, 'You know, God is up there, taking care of us every minute. But reading the news makes me wonder.' I just met this person 20 minutes before and she almost had me in tears. I'm so busy trying to forget everything from my past and the world around me, that when it comes around to slap me across the face, I could almost fall to the ground and never rise again. The weight of everything is that much.
I attended my Human Growth class today like a good little girl. I can't say lemming, because I have the power to walk out of there and never look back. But I have come too far to do that now. Sometimes I wish I could. I look around at everyone else my age, at a college/dorm, whose deepest drama is finding someone to buy beer and play musical beds with the flavor of the day. A life without choices seems very appealing to me. But then who would I be?
I just don't know anymore.
Yet I'm the only one I know who has so many doubts yet is graduating next may and could be working in my field right away. It's secure and safe, yet strange. When do I get to play the teenager without a care in the world? I had body image problems since I was 6 or probably earlier. I'm sick of being 20 going on 40 dammit. It shouldn't have to be like this.
what do I want? I want to be happy. I'm wishing for contentment. I want those that I love to be within an arms reach for once. I want to see Liz. I want to stop worrying. I want to finally accept who I am and love myself. To a certain extent, I have. Even now when I'm in a relationship (hang on. I'll explain later) I still have those feelings of unworthiness and self consciousness that I long to be rid of.
Don't get me wrong. I'm doing ok. These are just the lingering things floating around in the back of my mind while I rush to finish everything I need to do.
I managed to fit in a trip to Madison to celebrate miss April turning 20. Which turned into a chance for me to tweak some relationships that have been less than perfect, like Mate, April and surprisingly, Andrea.
Then last weekend, I had a lovely time in Chicago with my hezzie seeing the fabulous miss Ani Difranco....and getting in a huge argument with my parents over staying at my beau's house afterwards. I stood my ground for once, but afterwards I was so upset that I started crying harder than I have ever cried in a long long time. As for the vague references, I am currently seeing a really great person I met at faire. His name is Randy Ingram, lives in Shaumburg, Il, and makes me feel so wonderful that I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure it's real. He's currently working as a serving wench at the Medieval Times (brown tunic....black tights......heh heh) and is in a band which he lovingly describes as alterna-enya. Um. Jon, sort of broke up with me after ignoring me for *another* 2 weeks (grrrrrr) on instant freakin messenger. He said that he's in a 'dark time' and 'doesn't want to make the opportunity for me to not trust him' and then proceeded to have to go to a meeting. How convenient these meetings, no? Any theories on what the hell that means, please enlighten me. Translate vague man mumble into english please. :)
I must be off now. My books are calling me. I hate it when they do that.