The Wall should not become one's mantra. far too depressing-yet fitting.

[learning2fly]

Day after day
love turns grey
Like the skin on a dying man and
night after night we pretend it's all right
but I have grown older
and you have grown colder
and nothing is very much fun anymore

but I can feel one of my turns coming on
I feel cold as a razor blade
tight as a tourniquet
dry as a funeral drum,

run to the bedroom, in the suitcase on the left
you'll find my favorite axe
Don't look so frightened this is just a passing phase
one of my bad days

Would you like to watch TV?
Or get between the sheets?
Or contemplate the silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?

Would you like to learn to fly?
Would you like to see me try? would you.
Would you like to call the cops?
do you think it's time I stopped?

Why are you running away?
___________________________________________

I just hate everything right now. Why can't things just be ok? why do I have to constantly struggle to be happy and more importantly be happy with myself? I feel like one of those grumpy old men mumbling to themselves, hating anyone that is laughing or appearing to be content with their lives. I wish I could be numb. That would make everything so much easier to handle. Just not giving a shit about anything or anyone. I can't get hurt that way. I can't let anyone down. It won't matter. I'm sick of caring about people that could give a rats ass about me. Why do I bother? I suffer for nothing.
I keep hoping that things will get better later on, when I graduate, when I move out, etc. but it won't. Not with my bitter self ruining everything.
All I can do is go ballistic on a punching bag until I collapse and then go to work/school and become everyone else's punching bag. I swear, if everyone would spend one day working as a secretary, waitress or stewardess, people would have a different view of things. Just because you're being served doesn't mean you can shit all over people like they don't have feelings or aren't worthy of respect. This world has far too many selfish assholes in it for my taste.

On a lighter note, I'm finished at my internship at the hospital in Milwaukee now. Finally I get my spring break this week. I worked 10 freakin hours today (which is pretty obvious after my little outburst and foul mood)... But now I have the next couple of days to myself to get my hair chopped off and get things done that have been put off for so long. Like actually seeing Paul Kunasch in the flesh. We've been talking on the phone for over 2 years and I never found the time to see him. How awful is that? Maybe I'll visit Mrs. DeWalt and go horseback riding with her. I've been meaning to do so many things, I don't know where to begin. Well, first off I'm being a physical therapist for both of my grandpas, one with balance problems and one with Alzheimer's...
Grandma talked me into doing 'sit and be fit' with her on Friday morning for therapeutic exercise ideas. That should be interesting.
It's nice to have my family in one place. I'm really grateful for that. Well, most of my family anyway. The parents are in London until a week from Tuesday and the saddest thing is that I have no one to have over to take advantage of an empty house. Well, must get some sleep before another fun filled kick boxing class of me trying desperately not to keel over. People are not made to do so many lunges!! ughhhh.

Comments

[april-tehe.livejournal.com]

aw i know how you feel, but dont let depression take hold! i would visit my dear if i could but finals alas. i miss you, have i told youthat? it has been way to long. i hope that youay re free sometime the weekend i am home i still am not sure if i can come to your graduation or not, i do congradulate you though.

know that you are loved, that may not bring you the most happiness but hey, i saw hedwig (the stage show) friday, i thought of ya through most of it especially during, "know in your soul like the blood knows the way from your heart to your brain, know that you are whole" so yes melissa i do care about you, even if i neglect you a little. :)

Re:

[learning2fly.livejournal.com]

who's doing hedwig live? that rocks!!! :)
Love you both. I'll be ok. Thanks for being here. Makes me feel less alone and stuff.

[april-tehe.livejournal.com]

it was a two time event through the uw drama department, they did a great job though, seriously

[corenrind]

<3 YOU.

I miss you so much. Things are really hard now, but they'll be over for me in a week and then I am gonna talk to you SO STINKIN MUCH. You just see. I need a Melissa around now. Nobody's like you.

Take care, darling.

[beckysioux.livejournal.com]

Mel, is that you? How'd you snag that pic of Brian?

Email me or something!!!!!

Love you tons!!!!!

Re:

[learning2fly.livejournal.com]

it was on his website! I love it! Why didn't you tell me you were on LJ and how the hell did you find me? that's crazy!!

[beckysioux.livejournal.com]

Well, I didn't know that you were on LJ. I found you by doing a search in the finding users by interest. I typed in Broon and a few people popped up. I actually sorta know two other people in that search. And didn't you list MooNiE as one of your likes/interest? I did a search for him and your name didn't pop up. Ah well, I'm sure that you won't forget him this season.