(no subject)

I have a sudden urge to scream. This is not supposed to be the normal response to talking to my sister on the phone. Yet, every time I talk to her, it seems like I want to gouge my own eyes out or bash the phone against the wall. I say this because I have to listen to her talk to her boyfriend while I talk to her. Again, normal, yes?
Not quite.
Her boyfriend is none other than one of my closest friends. He can look in my eyes or hear my voice and know how I'm feeling. So few people in this world can do that with me. Unspoken unconditional understanding. I don't know why I'm explaining this. I guess it helps me to think everything through. I feel like he's not listening anymore. What's worse, he doesn't seem to notice. I can't tell him how I feel, either. How can I? Knowing he doesn't care?

We haven't been right for a long time. and when I thought we WERE going in the right direction, I don't hear from him in six days. He was at my sister's apartment. for six days straight. Now he's there right now. Knowing that he's sleeping with her makes my skin crawl. Beyond crawl.

I don't know why I'm being so fucking bitter about this. They have the right to their own feelings. I'm just tired of it. Everyone is so freakin happy.
I can't be happy. I won't allow myself to be truly happy. but I'm working on that. I've always been a pessimist. It's not easy to turn it off.
bah.
I got my tori boots today......
pretend everything is ok. put on the mask.
close your eyes. count to ten.
go to bed!!! bed is wonderful!!! warm dark and fuzzy.
I think I'll read some more Blind Assassin and go to sleep like a good little girl now.
bien nuit.

(no subject)

I have a sudden urge to scream. This is not supposed to be the normal response to talking to my sister on the phone. Yet, every time I talk to her, it seems like I want to gouge my own eyes out or bash the phone against the wall. I say this because I have to listen to her talk to her boyfriend while I talk to her. Again, normal, yes?
Not quite.
Her boyfriend is none other than one of my closest friends. He can look in my eyes or hear my voice and know how I'm feeling. So few people in this world can do that with me. Unspoken unconditional understanding. I don't know why I'm explaining this. I guess it helps me to think everything through. I feel like he's not listening anymore. What's worse, he doesn't seem to notice. I can't tell him how I feel, either. How can I? Knowing he doesn't care?

We haven't been right for a long time. and when I thought we WERE going in the right direction, I don't hear from him in six days. He was at my sister's apartment. for six days straight. Now he's there right now. Knowing that he's sleeping with her makes my skin crawl. Beyond crawl.

I don't know why I'm being so fucking bitter about this. They have the right to their own feelings. I'm just tired of it. Everyone is so freakin happy.
I can't be happy. I won't allow myself to be truly happy. but I'm working on that. I've always been a pessimist. It's not easy to turn it off.
bah.
I got my tori boots today......
pretend everything is ok. put on the mask.
close your eyes. count to ten.
go to bed!!! bed is wonderful!!! warm dark and fuzzy.
I think I'll read some more Blind Assassin and go to sleep like a good little girl now.
bien nuit.