OH THE GRANDEUR......

This day seemed like an eternity. Under normal circumstances, I could handle 3 lectures in a row.....all 8 hours of them....
but today I was just too fucking bitchy and too tired. Plus my contacts felt like scratchy rocks in my eyes every time I blinked. Perfect condition for 8 hours of discussing each muscle, where they originate and insert, how they contract (on a molecular level)....etc.......
I had this ever so familiar feeling of barely treading water in the deep ocean that is anatomy. Sometimes I'm feeling confident in myself and all the info I absorbed last semester. But today I felt like throwing in the towel. But then I realized that I have nothing else to do with my life. I can't go back to pursuing the career of youth ministry- where I'd have to lead by example and help kids find their faith while mine has ran off with my innocence with no plans to return.
and then there's my lifelong dream of becoming a broadway star......
(seeing as how I could barely stand all the BS and politics in HIGH SCHOOL theater, I highly doubt that I could survive in the real world). Nor could I ever dream to hold a candle to the great Julie, Natasha, Bernadette, Dame Judy, or anyone else for that matter (and not a peep out of you, corenrind. no more prom queen. not happening).

I guess I'll have to hang on to a log floating by for a while longer. When I started looking into the physical therapy program, I thought 2 years would be a piece of cake. in my dreams.
and in the middle of trying to absorb as much of the lecture as I could while feeling extremely hopeless and stupid, I had a little break to check my email and escape reality for a minute. I recently set up the lovely miss westsexgoddess with her own lj account (perhaps as a futile attempt to make up for my waste of space on the net....) to find a huge paragraph filled with her new conquests. (I know you love that word, april)
I just had to smile to think that everything was so horrible. I wonder every day what it might have been like to go to a four year college. maybe I wouldn't be so lonely. maybe I'd meet new friends. maybe I'd be less shy if I'd gone. But then I think about all the things I've learned since graduation. I don't think I'd be the same person I am now. Not nearly as strong, not nearly as independent. so there's the two extremes. living at a four year college, away from home, free to explore your every desire. yet I can't imagine how hard it must be to hang on to your own morals and sense of self without being isolated for it. On the other hand, there's living at home, where everything is familiar, and going to a tech college with zero extracurriculars, zero theater,music or sports (which I miss more and more each day).
I don't know which is better. neither really is. only different.
and to all of you out there who are reading this-
I write this to sort out the millions of things bouncing around in this brain of mine. I do not write to ridicule others for who they are or what they have done. and that goes for others who write on lj. It's sad that the thrill of writing an entry and posting it for the select few who know my lj name to read if they want (even though I'm really uncomfortable with it and often end up erasing it when I'm done because it sounds stupid) has now been opened to those who I no longer am in contact with and don't feel comfortable with reading this. (AND I'M NOT MAD AT YOU, LAURA!!! IT'S OK!!!! I'LL GET OVER IT!!!!!!) I just want to say that I know some of you have been hurt by what you have read. I can't apologize for how I feel, nor can Miss Liz. We have the right to express ourselves, as do you. If there's anything any of you would like to ask, please ask. No more of this relaying gossip shit. talk to me if you have a problem. I see my relationship with andrea and jason as pretty much over. I don't hate either of you. I don't hate anyone. I've been hurt from being cast aside, but at the same time I understand that we all have our own lives to live and there's just not enough room in them or time to keep things going smoothly. Please understand that I want to live mine and know that I can express myself as I see fit.
and now I can look forward to yet another weekend in madison to hear all about it.
oh the dramas. will they never cease.

OH THE GRANDEUR......

This day seemed like an eternity. Under normal circumstances, I could handle 3 lectures in a row.....all 8 hours of them....
but today I was just too fucking bitchy and too tired. Plus my contacts felt like scratchy rocks in my eyes every time I blinked. Perfect condition for 8 hours of discussing each muscle, where they originate and insert, how they contract (on a molecular level)....etc.......
I had this ever so familiar feeling of barely treading water in the deep ocean that is anatomy. Sometimes I'm feeling confident in myself and all the info I absorbed last semester. But today I felt like throwing in the towel. But then I realized that I have nothing else to do with my life. I can't go back to pursuing the career of youth ministry- where I'd have to lead by example and help kids find their faith while mine has ran off with my innocence with no plans to return.
and then there's my lifelong dream of becoming a broadway star......
(seeing as how I could barely stand all the BS and politics in HIGH SCHOOL theater, I highly doubt that I could survive in the real world). Nor could I ever dream to hold a candle to the great Julie, Natasha, Bernadette, Dame Judy, or anyone else for that matter (and not a peep out of you, corenrind. no more prom queen. not happening).

I guess I'll have to hang on to a log floating by for a while longer. When I started looking into the physical therapy program, I thought 2 years would be a piece of cake. in my dreams.
and in the middle of trying to absorb as much of the lecture as I could while feeling extremely hopeless and stupid, I had a little break to check my email and escape reality for a minute. I recently set up the lovely miss westsexgoddess with her own lj account (perhaps as a futile attempt to make up for my waste of space on the net....) to find a huge paragraph filled with her new conquests. (I know you love that word, april)
I just had to smile to think that everything was so horrible. I wonder every day what it might have been like to go to a four year college. maybe I wouldn't be so lonely. maybe I'd meet new friends. maybe I'd be less shy if I'd gone. But then I think about all the things I've learned since graduation. I don't think I'd be the same person I am now. Not nearly as strong, not nearly as independent. so there's the two extremes. living at a four year college, away from home, free to explore your every desire. yet I can't imagine how hard it must be to hang on to your own morals and sense of self without being isolated for it. On the other hand, there's living at home, where everything is familiar, and going to a tech college with zero extracurriculars, zero theater,music or sports (which I miss more and more each day).
I don't know which is better. neither really is. only different.
and to all of you out there who are reading this-
I write this to sort out the millions of things bouncing around in this brain of mine. I do not write to ridicule others for who they are or what they have done. and that goes for others who write on lj. It's sad that the thrill of writing an entry and posting it for the select few who know my lj name to read if they want (even though I'm really uncomfortable with it and often end up erasing it when I'm done because it sounds stupid) has now been opened to those who I no longer am in contact with and don't feel comfortable with reading this. (AND I'M NOT MAD AT YOU, LAURA!!! IT'S OK!!!! I'LL GET OVER IT!!!!!!) I just want to say that I know some of you have been hurt by what you have read. I can't apologize for how I feel, nor can Miss Liz. We have the right to express ourselves, as do you. If there's anything any of you would like to ask, please ask. No more of this relaying gossip shit. talk to me if you have a problem. I see my relationship with andrea and jason as pretty much over. I don't hate either of you. I don't hate anyone. I've been hurt from being cast aside, but at the same time I understand that we all have our own lives to live and there's just not enough room in them or time to keep things going smoothly. Please understand that I want to live mine and know that I can express myself as I see fit.
and now I can look forward to yet another weekend in madison to hear all about it.
oh the dramas. will they never cease.