I don't care much......go or stay....

I am emotionally and physically exhausted right now. Last week took forever to end, even with a day trip to chicago in the middle of the week. (which was fab. cheesecake factory. shopping. Paul McCartney concert. nuff said. ((thanks hez.))
Now that the weekend is here, and almost done already, dammit, I feel trapped by the usual mix of worrying and self loathing. Friday and Saturday nite were spent with sir nate, which was wonderful. I can't remember the last time we had a lighthearted conversation. Well, we got on the subject of my love life which sent me down a huge downward spiral for the rest of the evening. Regardless, it was nice to spend some time with him.
I was proud of myself for standing down instead of starting a fight over nothing. and we were upset anyway because we just got the word that hez wasn't doing well and we were completely powerless to help. Lets all cross our fingers and hope that a nice senior citizen picked up her wallet on the trolley and gave it to the driver.....
could be worse. her credit cards could have been in there. or it could be raining.
(happy 6 month anniversary nate and hez!) (wow.)

Maybe I'm so blah because I just got myself a cell phone and realized I have no one to call on it. or maybe it's because nate reminded me how bitter and lonely I really am. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I miss Liz so much I could scream. There's too much going on in her life that I don't even know or understand. I hate not being able to DO anything. I hate how I want to succeed in my classes, yet can't muster up the concentration to study. I hate how much I want to become an active person and finally lose those outer layers of fat covering up the me I want to be, yet can't get out there and do something about it. But most of all- I hate being alone. I'm so sick of being alone all the time. Don't get me wrong- I'm very very very happy for everyone and their happiness found with significant others. I just wish that I could be with them. I wish I could be happy. That's all I really want. to be happy.
I just don't care anymore. I really don't.

I don't care much......go or stay....

I am emotionally and physically exhausted right now. Last week took forever to end, even with a day trip to chicago in the middle of the week. (which was fab. cheesecake factory. shopping. Paul McCartney concert. nuff said. ((thanks hez.))
Now that the weekend is here, and almost done already, dammit, I feel trapped by the usual mix of worrying and self loathing. Friday and Saturday nite were spent with sir nate, which was wonderful. I can't remember the last time we had a lighthearted conversation. Well, we got on the subject of my love life which sent me down a huge downward spiral for the rest of the evening. Regardless, it was nice to spend some time with him.
I was proud of myself for standing down instead of starting a fight over nothing. and we were upset anyway because we just got the word that hez wasn't doing well and we were completely powerless to help. Lets all cross our fingers and hope that a nice senior citizen picked up her wallet on the trolley and gave it to the driver.....
could be worse. her credit cards could have been in there. or it could be raining.
(happy 6 month anniversary nate and hez!) (wow.)

Maybe I'm so blah because I just got myself a cell phone and realized I have no one to call on it. or maybe it's because nate reminded me how bitter and lonely I really am. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I miss Liz so much I could scream. There's too much going on in her life that I don't even know or understand. I hate not being able to DO anything. I hate how I want to succeed in my classes, yet can't muster up the concentration to study. I hate how much I want to become an active person and finally lose those outer layers of fat covering up the me I want to be, yet can't get out there and do something about it. But most of all- I hate being alone. I'm so sick of being alone all the time. Don't get me wrong- I'm very very very happy for everyone and their happiness found with significant others. I just wish that I could be with them. I wish I could be happy. That's all I really want. to be happy.
I just don't care anymore. I really don't.