...why are you running away?...

Before I curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep I just want to say it fucking sucks to run into Jared after all these years...at MY FUCKING GYM. This guy was my first love, from 4 years ago. I was forced to break up with him after he disappeared for a week and after I got a phone call from his ex (and mother of his child) saying he was with her the whole time. We had to work together for a few months after that. Awkward as fuck. He developed a thing for my barbie-doll coworker. Two days before retail hell day, the day after Thanksgiving, he walked out in the middle of a shift. I never saw him again. Now, 4 years later, there he is, at my gym. Smirking at me. I wanted to run out of there screaming at the top of my lungs. I finished up my workout on the elliptical trainer, boring holes into his head with my mind as I watched him lift weights. I wonder how his 6 year old is doing...
I feel like such shit right now. The date with Mike last night was horrible, he spent most of the evening telling me that he's not ready to start anything with me because he's still dealing with the emotional wounds from his long term relationship that ended 3 years ago. He doesn't know if he's going to be able to open up and trust someone again. I feel the same way but for some reason feel ready to give this a shot. Now I won't even get the chance. All I wanted last night was for him to hold me and kiss me good night. I didn't get either. And my fucking diet. What a joke. Like I can ever be anything but a fucking fat girl for the rest of my life. I don't know why I bother. I hate myself every time I see my reflection in a mirror and feel guilty about every little thing I eat. Why? What is so fucking important about what I look like? It's stupid. I don't need to look like everyone else and I don't need to have a love in my life to feel happy and whole.

SO WHY DO I STILL BELIEVE THESE THINGS WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING??

...why are you running away?...

Before I curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep I just want to say it fucking sucks to run into Jared after all these years...at MY FUCKING GYM. This guy was my first love, from 4 years ago. I was forced to break up with him after he disappeared for a week and after I got a phone call from his ex (and mother of his child) saying he was with her the whole time. We had to work together for a few months after that. Awkward as fuck. He developed a thing for my barbie-doll coworker. Two days before retail hell day, the day after Thanksgiving, he walked out in the middle of a shift. I never saw him again. Now, 4 years later, there he is, at my gym. Smirking at me. I wanted to run out of there screaming at the top of my lungs. I finished up my workout on the elliptical trainer, boring holes into his head with my mind as I watched him lift weights. I wonder how his 6 year old is doing...
I feel like such shit right now. The date with Mike last night was horrible, he spent most of the evening telling me that he's not ready to start anything with me because he's still dealing with the emotional wounds from his long term relationship that ended 3 years ago. He doesn't know if he's going to be able to open up and trust someone again. I feel the same way but for some reason feel ready to give this a shot. Now I won't even get the chance. All I wanted last night was for him to hold me and kiss me good night. I didn't get either. And my fucking diet. What a joke. Like I can ever be anything but a fucking fat girl for the rest of my life. I don't know why I bother. I hate myself every time I see my reflection in a mirror and feel guilty about every little thing I eat. Why? What is so fucking important about what I look like? It's stupid. I don't need to look like everyone else and I don't need to have a love in my life to feel happy and whole.

SO WHY DO I STILL BELIEVE THESE THINGS WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING??