...why are you running away?...

[learning2fly]

Before I curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep I just want to say it fucking sucks to run into Jared after all these years...at MY FUCKING GYM. This guy was my first love, from 4 years ago. I was forced to break up with him after he disappeared for a week and after I got a phone call from his ex (and mother of his child) saying he was with her the whole time. We had to work together for a few months after that. Awkward as fuck. He developed a thing for my barbie-doll coworker. Two days before retail hell day, the day after Thanksgiving, he walked out in the middle of a shift. I never saw him again. Now, 4 years later, there he is, at my gym. Smirking at me. I wanted to run out of there screaming at the top of my lungs. I finished up my workout on the elliptical trainer, boring holes into his head with my mind as I watched him lift weights. I wonder how his 6 year old is doing...
I feel like such shit right now. The date with Mike last night was horrible, he spent most of the evening telling me that he's not ready to start anything with me because he's still dealing with the emotional wounds from his long term relationship that ended 3 years ago. He doesn't know if he's going to be able to open up and trust someone again. I feel the same way but for some reason feel ready to give this a shot. Now I won't even get the chance. All I wanted last night was for him to hold me and kiss me good night. I didn't get either. And my fucking diet. What a joke. Like I can ever be anything but a fucking fat girl for the rest of my life. I don't know why I bother. I hate myself every time I see my reflection in a mirror and feel guilty about every little thing I eat. Why? What is so fucking important about what I look like? It's stupid. I don't need to look like everyone else and I don't need to have a love in my life to feel happy and whole.

SO WHY DO I STILL BELIEVE THESE THINGS WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING??

Comments

[beckysioux.livejournal.com]

SO WHY DO I STILL BELIEVE THESE THINGS WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING??

Because you're a girl and it's ingrained(sp?) in our heads that we have to perfect from the day we're born. If it isn't our parents telling us we're a little pudgy, then it's the kids in school calling us fat, and if that doesn't happen then it's the media showing us all these perfect people who in reality aren't perfect but are made perfect with special effects making men and women think that these people actually exist.

Girlie, you are so not fat. Me, I'm fat, you are not. You say you're fat one more time and I'll drive up to Oak Creek and pinch you. I'm serious girlie!!

As for the love thing, eh. Has Joe called you yet?

[learning2fly.livejournal.com]

no pinching please!!

And no, Joe hasn't called me. I don't really expect him to. He invited me to his Halloween pary again this year but I don't think I'll go, it'll be just like Stronghold all over again (i.e. who the hell are you, lowly reveler/bbf person and why are you here?)

[http://users.livejournal.com/_redstar_/]

you're beautiful. i love you. you don't need no cowboy, anyway. all they do is sit around the campfire, eatin' beans and fartin' all night. trust me. i know.

[learning2fly.livejournal.com]

thanks Tim. I needed a good laugh. I got flashbacks of Blazing Saddles for a minute there.

(and the cowboy is out of my life, don't you worry)

[phed4.livejournal.com]

1. How long have you been on the diet?
2. How long have you been working out regularly (3-4 days a week for at least an hour each time)?

Weight loss/getting in shape takes time and a lifestyle change.

There is no quick fix to lose weight. My wrestlers do it by they do it by not eating, or eating very little, usually lettuce and such, combined with running for an hour or so wearing: shorts, sweatpants, a t shirt, hoodie and winter coat.

[learning2fly.livejournal.com]

I need to make like Homestar, and, um. Run?

The whole working out with every item of clothing I own on does not sound appealing. I'd be doing laundry all the time!! Thanks for the input, coach.
I was just venting. I am trying to make a lifestyle change. First with the eating better, now with the working out 5 times a week. I've made it through 2 1/2 weeks of it now, I know I can do it. I'm just wanting quick results and it's not happening. ::shrugs::

[fireflower123.livejournal.com]

1. men are wicked creatures. hard to understand, unpredictable and smelly. don't let the old ones get you down too much. it happens. but always remember that any love gone sour just helps you grow and become the person that you are today.

'I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here'- ben folds the luckiest

2. you are not fat. holy shit you are not fat. i think you are a beautiful women. granted this means nothing coming from anothe women but you are. the fat battle is something women of our generation will fight all our lives. just try to remember that you are beautiful and others see you are beautiful.

[learning2fly.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Emily.

(way to quote Ben Folds!! brownie point for you!)