(no subject)

[learning2fly]

So ya
thought ya
might like to go to the show
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow
Tell me is something eluding you sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you want to find out
what's behind these cold eyes
you'll just have to claw your way
through this disguise

I am seriously fucked up.

I mean really.


A person who has been given what I have been given should be more than happy.
But I'm not. I have my rare moments of bliss but they are few and far between and only make returning to reality that much more painful. Maybe I'm just physically and emotionally raw from working 12 days in a row. I don't know.
I just feel like such a worthless piece of shit for really stupid reasons. Mainly body image issues have come to the foreground. Just this week I began yet another hopeless bout of psuedodieting. Why? Because I utterly and completely hate my body. I am disgusted by my reflection. I cringe at the touch of another, feeling so huge and ugly that it will repulse others.
I even made a week of it: I did an hour of yoga class on Monday, ran/jogged a mile and did weights on Tuesday and did 20 minute pilates, 20 mins. on the elliptical and weights on Wednesday. I worked really hard and still couldn't let myself be proud of what I did.
I realized how every single New Years since I was 10 I made a resolution to lose weight and be the thin, willowy, graceful athletic person I always dreamed of. As if I became this completely unrealistic and unattainable version of myself, I would be respected by my peers, loved by all men and most importantly, I'll finally be satisfied with myself. But it's not going to happen and it makes me so sad I don't know what to do. I know I'm going to be overweight forever and no one will ever love me because I can't even love myself. I feel so pitiful and alone and awful. My body aches and pains are probably my own doing.

I wish I was a size 9 with C cups and didn't have any back, wrist, shoulder or ankle pain. That would be great.

I was just having a talk with my mom about this the other day. I hear the same thing from a lot of people: 'You're beautiful. You just have to feel it and believe it. a lot of people love you.' I know all this. I really do. I just need to feel it in my heart. I've been trying to do just that for as long as I can remember.

I'm fucked.

I'm just plain fucked up and there's nothing I can do about it.

Comments

[learning2fly.livejournal.com]

I love you guys too! thanks for putting up with my psychobabble. I just need some freakin sleep and a weekend off from work. and I plan to get both very soon.

[april-tehe.livejournal.com]

Melissa, i wish i had said more to you last night, i did not knwo that you were sad.

I love you and you are beautiful.
I know I have told you this before but you really are. you have this striking face that is justs o gorgeous. you are one of my prettiest friends, honestly.

i know its hard to realize but i hoep that someday you do.

again im sorry about last night, but i am here for you

-April