smash your head against the wall

[learning2fly]

this is exactly why I remained anonymous. so this B.S. wouldn't happen.
there. I said it. I think that April was being cruel and wrong to say things she doesn't know or understand about Sheena. I felt that I needed to say what I did, but didn't log in as myself because I knew that April probably wouldn't talk to me ever again. What kind of friendship do we have then? Honesty and trust are VERY important to me. If I can't be honest with my friends then there's something very very wrong. Yes, I feel regretful for making my opinion so laced with emotion, particularly anger, so it came off as an attack on April. Then to make things worse, April was in town a few days after, so I played innocent and denied it for the sake of keeping the peace while she was home. This barely justifies what I did, but it's the truth. Out on display for anyone to know. I felt the need to back up sheena and it turned into an opportunity to bring out another topic that's been bothering me- April's new lifestyle. I have NO right to criticize or judge how you live your life. God knows I am in no possible way better or more mature than you. It's overwhelmingly frustrating to just sit by and watch you make poor choices that lead to or will lead to more hurt. Being in love is a wonderful thing. I'm so glad you're in love.
I'm just extremely worried and concerned about you, since I consider myself a part of your life. well, not anymore, but I was. I still care very much for you, April. I want you to be happy and free to live your life. I just wonder if you know what you want, right from wrong, your ideals and all that. Last time I brought that up you were hurt but we didn't discuss it. Well, I'm laying it all out today, so take it or leave it. Whatever you want. You go live your life however the hell you feel like it. But I'm always here if you need me. Why the hell do I keep saying that? No one needs me anyway.

Now for the current bullshit. I DID NOT write the newest anonymous comment.
April's self love fest entry pissed off a lot of people, including me. Part of it was sarcasm, but part of it was true. I wish I could understand a way to discuss this without sounding judgemental or emotional. Fuck. This is emotional. We all care about each other so much that it's hard not to be emotional. Life would be so much easier if we were all vulcan, you know?
The big issue at hand is the fact that megan got caught in the middle of all this. She had absolutely nothing to do with any of this. Now she's not talking to me because I apparently went off and told april about Dave. I don't remember talking about her to april. Why would I? the two groups have nothing in common. If I did, I'd probably be asking for advice on how to get meg to leave Dave and save some hurt. I've been racking my brain all weekend and today and still can't remember a time I did that. Sorry I don't tape record all my conversations. Maybe I should.
April said some awful things to meg out of anger. I wish things could have been different but the seeds have been sewn and there's not a damn thing any of us can do about it. I still love all of you guys. april and meg. and sheena and nate and paige and emma and laura. I wish there was some way we could work this out.
If anyone still wants to try, I'm here. I'm waving the white flag. Peace my sistas.
enough of this shit throwing. LJ was supposed to be a way for us to get things out there and heard. A way for long distances to seem a little closer by checking up on each other. Can we please keep it that way? I have to go to neuro now, but I will write more later. Please let this be over.

Comments

2 cents

[april-tehe.livejournal.com]

I dont get angry very easy, and honestly, had you said that it was you to begin with, i wouldnt really have minded, i just hate anonymous things, ive been in worse fights, and i dont hold a grudge well enough to stop liking you melissa. Alls fine by me, i just have no clue whats going on with anonymous stuff, i still dont understand for sure then if the last long one that prompted me to dis megan was you or not. i heard about megans love life at chichis with everyone there, so you didnt say anything, dont worry. now as for my new life, there is no new life, i am just more open, i was much more secretive in high school, just ask emma how long it told me to tell her about chris, i fucked up with ben, that is apparent and everyone knows that. but i havent made any major mistakes in that department since going out with brett. sex is not that impotrant and i hate how that is the emphasis of this arguement. my "self-love' is sarcastic, you should know that. i still have issues, and if you read that passage agian, its plain to see, i was trying to be funny. there is no self love, but if there was why would that be bad? i hate the dicotomy of women having to either be vain or hopelessly miserable from self-hate, i finally got out of self-hate. thats good. i wish everyone would love themselves a little more, but maybe i should leave that for emma to say since im not in such a great postion right now. i hope that we can stay friends, im not really mad, still a little confused, but thats all. email me if you can, or call, it'd be appreciated. i hope things work out with you and megan.