hold onto nothing as fast as you can...

[learning2fly]

I am still sick and it continues to drain my energy. I felt ready to crawl into bed around 2:30 this afternoon, which wasn't good timing since I had a conference room full of Back School patients waiting for my presentation. I have my voice back now, which was helpful. But I still have a borderline fever and head/chest congestion. yay.

So, long story short I'm really tired right now, which always makes me overly emotional. I made the mistake of talking to my Dad tonight about my idea to maybe pursue going back to school and getting my masters in PT before thinking about investing in a condo or anything permanent. He proceeded to tear me a new one.
I met a PTA grad from 2000 yesterday that is fed up with getting all the responsibilities of a PT and making 12+ bucks less than they do. And I agree. I'm young. I'm flexible. I could do this. I refused to make any serious effort towards finding out what my options really are because I was too scared to think about leaving my comfort zone here in Wisconsin. I was pretty damn proud of myself for getting past that and doing a lot of research online with possible schools. My best option is to go to Loma Linda University in California for 2.15 years as part of a progressive masters program that takes my clinical experience as a PTA into account for class credit. It's a great school that is world renowned and I'll learn a lot more about the evaluation process and make myself a better therapist. I'm sick of explaining to everyone that those initials after my name don't stand for Parent Teacher Association. I feel so, so stupid sometimes, being so young and inexperienced next to my coworkers who've been working years and years longer than me. Maybe this could be my chance to go to a normal college like I've always wanted? I could get some loans from the government, it could work. I need a change. I get so sick of Wisconsin. I wish I had the balls to pick up roots and move somewhere new. But what the fuck do I know. I haven't had time to make any decisions yet, I was just letting him know what I was thinking. Then he brings up the move, which is happening in less than 2 weeks. I booked a moving van. Yes, I know I don't really have any help this time but what the hell am I supposed to do about it? In one swoop he knocked me on my ass, making me feel like I can't do anything right. This move is going to be hell. And we're supposed to get it done and make it down to Chicago in time for the Ani concert? We're fucked. Next Saturday is going to be a fucking mess. I don't even want to think about it any more. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right. I don't want to think about moving. I don't want to worry about money. I don't want to wonder about the future of our country and the world.

make it all go away.


I quit.


I don't want to be the responsible one anymore. It just gives me more pain when I fail.


(although I did get this in the mail today, so the day wasn't all bad)

Comments

[corenrind]

Wow. I honestly can't think of a single musical I know that'd be worse for depression than Sweeney Todd. But, you know, in that way where you listen to mopey things when you're mopey, I suppose. PIES!

WHY DUDE WHY HOW do our fathers so easily maneuver us into those places? I was just thinking about this exact problem earlier tonight and feeling crummy about my own issues. Is it always a trap to communicate uncertainties? I think parents secretly hate compromises and risk. Hell if I know. Anyway, I completely feel you. UGH IT IS A STUPID FEELING.

(For the record, I've found the grad school idea fascinating since the first time you ever mentioned it, but we can discuss this another time. You are a really, really smart girl. It's about decisions, and if unable to be sure that you're doing the right thing, then maybe being sure that you're not doing the wrong thing any more.)

Says the girl whose own head is exploding every time she thinks of the future past the evening tv schedule.

I love you M. Sue.

thanks dear.

[learning2fly.livejournal.com]

hey, I'm digging the Sweeney Todd. It's not adding to the depression, it's soothing me through it.

Yes, let's discuss the grad school idea. I would love to discuss it with someone willing to listen to what I have to say and not belittle me for it. That would be great.

Love you too, Lefty.

[fireflower123.livejournal.com]

hrm. so much to address and so little time.

i'm sorry to hear you are feeling ill. no good. paul and i both wish you well.

you're in one of those situations that nothing anyone can really say will help. i'm sorry that you don't want to be the responsible one any more..but you're stuck with it. one of those curse/blessing things.

but anyway...despite the fact that i just said nothing anyone can say will help i'm still putting in my two sense. GO BACK TO SCHOOL! RUN BEFORE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND! My mother..at 53 is just now finishing up her masters. My older sister..soon to be 27 is just now deciding that she should probably go to med school. the both waited and 'did the right thing' and both ended up going back to school. so in conclusion...DON'T cling to that safety net. You'll probably regret it later. Get the hell out of dodge! see the world while you still can. you are SOOO young. take advantage of it. screw buying property. wait until you're thirty.

i hope that made a little sense. i think i am rambling. and i didn't even get started on my regrets for not getting a masters...

[learning2fly.livejournal.com]

thanks Emily. I will try my best.

[rubinia.livejournal.com]

I agree. Do it now before you're tied down with kids, a husband, and mortgage payments.

get well soon

[mrquint74.livejournal.com]

i'm hoping you get well soon. I like reading not sick post but you happy post's.