sanity calms but madness is more interesting.

good morning! I was scribbling in my journal all night. By the time I finished I was way too damn tired to type it all in. So here I go.

(5-17-02 11:45 PM)

I'm so very very tired of riding this rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I'm laughing and happy. Then I think about how much I miss my Ear or how pathetic/alone I am and my eyes start to well up with tears. Most of the time it's not even about anything in particular to cause me to fall to pieces. I just feel sad. A lot.
Then Dad will make a mopey face at me or do his shuffle dance and make me smile again. He's good at making me snap out of it.
I don't know why I can't stay happy for more than 5 seconds. I've come so far from my usual 'take everything anyone says to me to heart' thing. I understand and accept when it's not an attack on me when I fail at something. If a patient can't get his precious 5:15 appointment slot, it doesn't reflect on me as a person. It sounds ridiculous saying it out loud, but I honestly had a problem with that. I would buckle under any amount of pressure. But it's not that at all. It's me. I sabotage every moment of joy. It's almost as if no matter where I go, black clouds will always follow closeby. and I'm making it happen. I have the power to control my attitude. I just don't know how. If anyone knows the secret, please share.
Maybe I'm just stressed out from school. I spent all of last week organizing 2 massage fundraisers and bake sales and a field trip to aurora rehab and a dinner, leaving barely any time for me to prepare for the huge scary finals coming up. I'm not going to waste my time bitching about it either. Just get the damn things done and overwith. Four on Monday and two on Tuesday and it's finally done.
This year has been such a rough one, but at the same time it was a great one. Thinking back, I've learned more in this year alone than in all of high school combined. Not just PT stuff either. I learned important things like who am and what I want. I made it all despite my lack of confidence and lack of knowing every stupid measly muscle in the body....
it boggles the mind. really.
Let's see how long it takes me to forget it all. In a month or so, I'll look down at my arm and say 'yep. that's an arm'
Eat your heart out, Mrs. Ruxton. Not living up to my potential MY ASS. Rah.

Due to the craziness of all the weekend activities, I failed to congratulate my hezzie on graduating from MIAD last weekend. I'm so proud of her.
The ceremony itself was a trip. Especially the speakers. One in particular, a design student. It was so refreshing to hear someone stand up for integrety. He spoke about not selling women and sex to sell a product. (his example was bimbo spears...need I say more?)
He went on to say that he and his class have the power to stand their ground and make a new, real, GOOD culture. Not sell out to the big corporations. They design the packages and ad campaigns. They can choose quality over crap. Granted, the guy went on for close to 20 minutes and bampa looked like he was going to walk out, but he made a good point. I agree with almost everything he said.

As for today, I was disgusted to see on the news that those master peddlers of cool have stooped to an all time low. Abercrombie and Fitch have added a new item to their collection of overpriced crap-
CHILDREN’S THONGS.

good freakin lord, people. I have never been more outraged and ashamed of how utterly shallow our country is.
It was funny back when Britney became popular despite lack of any substance as a human being. It was funny back when the singing belly button commercials aired all over tv. It was less funny when 50 or so women threw themselves at a millionaire for his money. Now it’s beyond funny. Feminism is lost to our shitty shitty culture. We are sick! Little girls! Thongs!! What the hell happened to America? Maybe it all changed when we put all our trust in the government last fall? When the American dream was changed to having a perfect body and a bank account?
What the hell.

sanity calms but madness is more interesting.

good morning! I was scribbling in my journal all night. By the time I finished I was way too damn tired to type it all in. So here I go.

(5-17-02 11:45 PM)

I'm so very very tired of riding this rollercoaster of emotions. One minute I'm laughing and happy. Then I think about how much I miss my Ear or how pathetic/alone I am and my eyes start to well up with tears. Most of the time it's not even about anything in particular to cause me to fall to pieces. I just feel sad. A lot.
Then Dad will make a mopey face at me or do his shuffle dance and make me smile again. He's good at making me snap out of it.
I don't know why I can't stay happy for more than 5 seconds. I've come so far from my usual 'take everything anyone says to me to heart' thing. I understand and accept when it's not an attack on me when I fail at something. If a patient can't get his precious 5:15 appointment slot, it doesn't reflect on me as a person. It sounds ridiculous saying it out loud, but I honestly had a problem with that. I would buckle under any amount of pressure. But it's not that at all. It's me. I sabotage every moment of joy. It's almost as if no matter where I go, black clouds will always follow closeby. and I'm making it happen. I have the power to control my attitude. I just don't know how. If anyone knows the secret, please share.
Maybe I'm just stressed out from school. I spent all of last week organizing 2 massage fundraisers and bake sales and a field trip to aurora rehab and a dinner, leaving barely any time for me to prepare for the huge scary finals coming up. I'm not going to waste my time bitching about it either. Just get the damn things done and overwith. Four on Monday and two on Tuesday and it's finally done.
This year has been such a rough one, but at the same time it was a great one. Thinking back, I've learned more in this year alone than in all of high school combined. Not just PT stuff either. I learned important things like who am and what I want. I made it all despite my lack of confidence and lack of knowing every stupid measly muscle in the body....
it boggles the mind. really.
Let's see how long it takes me to forget it all. In a month or so, I'll look down at my arm and say 'yep. that's an arm'
Eat your heart out, Mrs. Ruxton. Not living up to my potential MY ASS. Rah.

Due to the craziness of all the weekend activities, I failed to congratulate my hezzie on graduating from MIAD last weekend. I'm so proud of her.
The ceremony itself was a trip. Especially the speakers. One in particular, a design student. It was so refreshing to hear someone stand up for integrety. He spoke about not selling women and sex to sell a product. (his example was bimbo spears...need I say more?)
He went on to say that he and his class have the power to stand their ground and make a new, real, GOOD culture. Not sell out to the big corporations. They design the packages and ad campaigns. They can choose quality over crap. Granted, the guy went on for close to 20 minutes and bampa looked like he was going to walk out, but he made a good point. I agree with almost everything he said.

As for today, I was disgusted to see on the news that those master peddlers of cool have stooped to an all time low. Abercrombie and Fitch have added a new item to their collection of overpriced crap-
CHILDREN’S THONGS.

good freakin lord, people. I have never been more outraged and ashamed of how utterly shallow our country is.
It was funny back when Britney became popular despite lack of any substance as a human being. It was funny back when the singing belly button commercials aired all over tv. It was less funny when 50 or so women threw themselves at a millionaire for his money. Now it’s beyond funny. Feminism is lost to our shitty shitty culture. We are sick! Little girls! Thongs!! What the hell happened to America? Maybe it all changed when we put all our trust in the government last fall? When the American dream was changed to having a perfect body and a bank account?
What the hell.